


minifills

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Flirting, Caw Caw Motherfucker, Crack, F/F, F/M, Forevver Alone, Homestuck Kink Meme, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Pesterlog, Pregnancy, Sburb game mechanics, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3185159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kink meme made me do it.  See individual chapters for summaries/warnings.</p><p>(Was originally "pesterlog minifills" but I don't write many pesterlogs...?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beta kids, pregnancy

**Author's Note:**

> For [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=46400548#cmt46400548). Sburb is a game about universal reproduction. Wink wonk.
> 
> SQUICK WARNING for mentions of giving birth to really gross things.

TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: holy shit john are you there  
TG: earth to egbert  
TG: this is an emergency  
TG: egbert do you copy  
TG: code red  
TG: help  
TG: john  
TG: john  
EB: what is it?  
TG: dude  
TG: thank god youre here  
EB: you're not dying, are you?  
TG: no its worse  
TG: do you remember when we did the thing...  
EB: ...  
EB: uh...  
EB: the thing?  
TG: ...where you stuck your dick into my brogina  
EB: oh god, please don't put it that way.  
TG: my dude cooch my manly netherlips my queer quim my pretty pink boy petals  
EB: wow, those sure are a lot of synonyms i'd like to never hear again.  
TG: what i mean to say is  
TG: fuck you egbert you knocked me up  
EB: are you serious?  
TG: shouldve wrapped your pecker  
TG: i warned you about scares bro  
TG: i told you dog  
EB: i don't get it, that was just yesterday. isn't it too early to know?  
TG: no see thats where it gets worse  
TG: john   
TG: i laid an egg  
EB: haha! oh man, that was a good one!  
EB: i cede this round to you sir strider, but mark my words the next prank will be mine! :B  
TG: dude not cool im so fucking serious right now like im flipping my shit over here  
TG: the egg hatched into a key that i needed to enter this dungeon  
TG: but now im stuck and this shitty crocodile is giving me grief about needing to make the next key  
TG: i cant go on i cant go back  
TG: worst thing is future me came to tell me that yes indeed the key has to come out of my bearded taco  
TG: i need you john i need you to come knock me up again  
EB: ...  
EB: what the fuck, dave.  
EB: what. the fuck.

\---

EB: so now i have to deal with two constantly pregnant sort-of girlfriends and one constantly pregnant ladybro who lays eggs. that is three constantly pregnant teammates!   
EB: karkat, you have to help me! i don’t know what to do.  
CG: THE FUCK IS A LADYBRO.  
EB: in dave's terms it's a bro who has lady parts down there.  
EB: or like rose says, 'a female-bodied man or nonbinary person'.  
CG: HUH. AND HERE I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT AT LEAST YOU HUMAN FUCKWADS ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE A SPECIES WHERE ONLY GIRLS CAN GET PREGNANT.  
CG: EITHER WAY, IT'S STILL NOT AS NUBSCRAPINGLY TERRIBLE AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE. THREE TEAMMATES? HA FUCKING HA. I, ON THE OTHER GRASPING APPENDAGE, HAVE TO DEAL WITH ELEVEN.  
CG: AND *TEN* OF THEM LAY EGGS.  
EB: ok, not to make light of your situation because that is a lot of pregnant teammates and i'm sure that makes you a whole lot busier than me, but the egg thing is really the least horrible.  
EB: at this point i will do it with dave as many times as he asks because i am sort of ok with the egg thing, or about as ok as i can be.  
EB: jade is birthing stars...  
EB: rose is birthing mini horrorterrors! i really don't want to have sex with her anymore, but we can't get further in the game if i don't. :(  
CG: YEAH, WELL AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE SPIDERS CRAWLING OUT OF THERE LIKE VRISKA. I CAN’T BELIEVE I'M STILL PAILING THAT.  
EB: auuuugggghhhh!!! why would you tell me that?????  
CG: JUST PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. SUCK IT UP, BULGEWEED.


	2. Dave (is not a bigot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=46321188#cmt46321188).
> 
> In which Dave is a cool guy who is cool with things.

TT: I am well aware of how irrational I am being.   
GG: well as long as you know!   
TT: Yes, but loathe as I am to admit it, I have always been one to overthink things. This trait has served me well in the past, but there were also times it led me astray.   
TT: My reluctance now has to do with the fact that I am not sure which one of those scenarios this is likely to become.   
GG: :/   
GG: i still say you should just tell him if only to get it off your chest. then you won't have to worry anymore about what he'll think!! and i am pretty sure he will think it's all cool!!!   
TT: But then I will run the risk, perhaps a 50% chance, that I will instead be dealing with his disapproval. While I am aware that 'haters gonna hate' and that the opinions of bigots should not matter, it will still hurt since we have been friends for years.   
TT: I have also never been one to consider myself emotionally fragile, but you must understand how the possible disapproval of a loved one is a frightening prospect.   
GG: oh gosh, no. rose! rosie rose! it is serious girltalk time. so serious I am putting on my serious girltalk goggles!!! --> 8/   
TT: You have my attention.   
GG: ok? ok! here goes…   
GG: DAVE IS NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!   
GG: whew! now that that's out of the way!   
GG: the thing with dave, and i'm pretty sure you'd know this if your anxiety wasn't getting in the way, is that he is a really cool dude. the coolest!    
GG: he just rolls with things, like remember when i told him i lived alone on an island and was kinda raised by a dog. and he didn't even make any raised by wolves jokes at first. he just said 'whoa, that's different. cool.'   
GG: i am reasonably sure, like 95% sure, that will be his exact same response to you!   
TT: I wish I could believe you.   
GG: you don't think i'm trustworthy??? there were loads of times where i told him potentially embarrassing things and he was really calm about it!!   
TT: I think you are perhaps a bit biased from past dealings, and also that your issue was one that members of 'bro culture' would find to be suitably 'sweet', whereas my issue is of a 'faggoty nature'. And we all know 'bros' hate fags more than anything.   
GG: ...um... but rose, you know he's only a bro for the ironies, right? like, idk if i will be as good at psychoanalyzing as you, but it means he pretends to be a bro in order to make fun of bros. he is pretty much anti-regular-bro!! :O   
GG: there are layers to it though, so maybe he does like some bro-stuff, but i've always thought that was the core of it.    
TT: Hmm... You make quite the compelling argument. The extent to which he is committed to acting like an idiot is too over-the-top to be completely natural.   
GG: yes!! and you know he lives with a guy who makes puppet porn, so sexuality weirdness is not a new thing for him. maybe use that as a jumping point to find out how he feels about homosexuality!   
GG: i would say more but those conversations are confidential! heehee! :D   
TT: You know, I think I will do just that.

\---

TT: I'm just saying you exhibit too much preoccupation with the phallic for it to be the psyche of a heterosexual male.  
TG: not this again  
TG: rose look i am legit swimming in puppet dong on a daily basis of course dicks are on my mind theyre irl sweetly face fucking me all day long  
TT: Interesting choice of words.  
TG: porn props hanging above my luscious lips am i supposed to think in terms of not blowjobs?  
TT: Let's focus on the creator of these props, then. Does it not strike you as an expression of homoerotic desire that a full grown man would willingly create so many phalluses in his spare time?  
TG: you mean is bro gay  
TT: Isn't he, Dave? Isn't he?  
TG: duh of course hes gay  
TT: And he has said as much to you, or is this projection?  
TG: does it count if hes like youre alone tonight lil bro cuz imma pick up some hot gay ass at the club  
TG: like he never actually sat me down and did the it doesnt change anything im still me speech  
TG: striders aint like that  
TG: were just naturally so fucking chill penguins could live in our fridge if it werent already occupied by shitty swords  
TT: You're avoiding the question.  
TG: dude  
TG: bros been gay since forever he never hid it  
TG: therefore he never had to verbally tell me  
TG: isnt having his male boyfriends who are male come over enough of a clue  
TG: its just always been a part of who he is  
TG: and who he is is the king of all that is cool  
TG: why are you asking anyway?  
TG: you afraid im some kind of homophobe rose you wound me  
TT: No, of course not.  
TT: ...  
TT: By the way, I'm a lesbian.  
TG: nailed it  
TG: no way youd keep asking if I was gay if you werent  
TG: its that reverse psychobabble shit right  
TT: No, Dave, that is not how reverse psychology works.  
TG: ...  
TG: hey rose does it make me gay if jade has a dick and i still like her despite puppet dong trauma  
TT: Well. Now that is an interesting query. Please, lie down on my virtual couch...


	3. Jade/Eridan, accidental flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40248.html?thread=46787384#cmt46787384).
> 
> Jade accidentally flirts with Eridan before she knew about quadrants.

\-- CaligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering GardenGnostic [GG] \--

CA: listen up human  
GG: oh no, not again!!!  
CA: im about to impart some wwisdom for the ages here  
GG: go away!!!!!!

\-- GardenGnostic [GG] has blocked CaligulasAquarium [CA] \--

\-- CaligulasAquarium [CA] is unblocked --

GG: GO AWAYYYYY!!!!  
CA: wwould you just listen  
GG: no! no no no times infinity times infinity plus one! XC  
CA: yeah you take your time screamin  
CA: ill just fast forwward until you stop  
CA: fastest wway to get this ovver wwith is to let me havve my say  
GG: fine, but I’m sighing in your direction. it’s a really *really* big sigh!  
CA: as I wwas sayin  
CA: bunch a landdwwellin trash has floated onto your beach  
CA: might wwanna get to cleanin that  
GG: that’s it??  
GG: you trolled me to talk about litter  
GG: you trolled me to talk about litter!!!!  
CA: envvironmental protection is important and its goddamn unconscionable wwhat human trash is bein dumped in the oceans  
CA: ivve seen human al gores movvie okay  
CA: aint like all you monkeys are unawware a wwhat youre doin  
CA: you should knoww livin by the sea an all  
GG: i don’t say this lightly, but i really hate you right now. you’re stuck-up and mean and don’t make any sense! i wish you would leave me alone!  
CA: wwhoa noww thats a bit sudden dont you think  
CA: not that i dont find you annoyin as wwell but maybe wwe should get to knoww each other better before jumpin into strong declarations a hate here  
GG: bluh! if you want my attention, feel free to talk to me nicely, like a normal person! this is just pathetic  
CA: ...wwhat  
GG: you’re pathetic! pitiful!  
CA: wwoww  
CA: thats really forwward...  
CA: kinda fast an furious on the quad flippin too  
GG: what now? :/  
CA: cant say im not flattered but youre wwhat like fivve swweeps old max  
CA: kinda too young for me at this point in the timeline  
GG: oh, eeewww! do you think i’m flirting with you??  
GG: bleh! D:  
CA: cmon noww im on to you  
CA: cant take it back just because youre feelin shy havvin your feelins called out  
CA: no shame in havvin a crush on a dashing older guy  
GG: i don’t!!! >:C  
CA: sorry youll have to wwait a wwhile  
CA: ill go talk to future you about settin up a date  
GG: nnnnoooooooo!

\-- CaligulasAquarium [CA] is offline --

GG: did you actually go??  
GG: uuuuuugh gross!


End file.
